The Violin, of All Things!

Just tell me, have you ever actually met a real live, a really, really live doctor of the violin, for Pete’s sake?  I don’t mean any old quick like a bunny rabbit scratcher, but a veritable, true maestro of that old piece of you-know-what, a violin?!

Are you kidding me? If you actually do, please send him to Earth, where we need him bad, because anybody can tell you it’s hell just trying to get a decent note out of such you-know-what, a decent note, not an actually good one, all by yourself, on a stage, to the delight and rapture of an audience, dragging that audience up again and down again from joy to tears like those doctors, with their marvelous injectable miracle drugs.

You show me one, even from a faraway place in a faraway universe, where astronomers never dreamed of finding a neutrino, much less galaxies of galaxies of galaxies, where there might be just one like the great ones of ancient China or somewhere old, like only China, and put his name up in lights forever and ever, even replacing damn Broadway, if we have to.

We’d give our own, quite American, eye teeth for such a nice person, and be glad to do it, just for the heck of losing them, because we can’t find anybody who can barely get a sound out of such a stupid invention. Why give me the cheapest old Moogish synthesizer, and a few for my violinist buddies any old day, cause we can’t play em worth you-know-what down herebelow!

Who wouldn’t go upabove rather than listen to one of those old, so-called “Stradivarius” “inventions” any day! Only ever Stradivarius taught him to make a few crummy ones anyway, and the rest never even came close, despite the very best scientists of all are subsequent, mostly same-old-fiddling ages, since time began!

But anybody can see you’re just kidding thinking there’s something “classical’ about scratching a dumb string with horsetail hairs, anyold way.

Why a violin’s just stupid from the very start, that’s what. Get rid of it soon and make a bit more room for our fine, new computers, the ones that do anything better than an old violinist ever dreamed of, and can even sound like it’s playing the violin player ever dreamt a violinist could ever play a piece of old wood, with its varnish in tatters. Why you must be like the guy who keeps putting the wrong, wrong, utterly wrong, wrong, wrong apostrophes in “its”, you are!

Get out of here with your bridges and soundposts any chinstraps and handkerCHEEVES and let a real music maker shine forth, like the very modernest of Toshiba laptops, you nutcase, you!

Make room for some real music, not just some so-called “class” semi-icle nonsense.  What do you mean, it stood the test of time? It didn’t even make it into the firewood pile yet, much less withstood something!

Get out OF heah, will ya please?  Kindly, Sir, before I chuck you right out, and your case with you! We’ve got cases of our own, you know, good, real, plastic ones are always the best choice anyway. What kind of material looks like an alligator, but isn’t, anyway?

And to think we ever allowed such bull into a musicians union! We should’ve seen through that, and not just from the beginning, but long before it began. You don’t even use human lips to play those things, what do you do do? You fake music, as if thirty people, all scritching away for all they’re worth, could ever sound like a violin, that’s all.

We’ll not only kick you downstairs, we’ll make sure you never get near our stairs ever again, you, you, well something I couldn’t say in mixed company, anyway, and a violin without that is like a mix without a drink!

Good golly, if I ever see one more violin, I’ll scream, just for cryin’ out loud!

And you never even heard me scream, did you?  So there!

Get out, quick, before I make you hear it, but good!

I’ll make you so sorry you ever showed up in here before, you’ll be aching for a fire exit, but we’ll have armed guards at all the exits, so it’s just you, and me, pal!

Violin, my foot!

You can just chuck it in the nearest volcano, as long as it’s a highly active one, for all I care about you and your efforts at making music, and I mean that all alone on the stage here, all by myself, if I have to!

So scamper away quick like a bunny rabbit, you and your rotten old, mostly empty pieces of wood, all glued together higgledy-piggledy, and think about that, or do you actually want to hear me dare you first, because I can do that very well, too, even after you’re out of here!

Gee, those so-called violin-musician guys are a pain to get rid of, aren’t they?

Give me an all-kazoo real philharmonic orchestra any day, right?

Well, am I right? Just say it whether I’m right or wrong, but just say I’m right, if you know what’s actually good for you!


One Response

  1. i would like to know the price of scherl & roth violin 4/4 Germay professional second hand , or advanced student. i need to buy at least 5 violins

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